Archive for December, 2006

Broadbandamania

December 29, 2006

Ok not posted recently as have been busy partying and using the Internet was frustratingly slow using dial-up. The chumps at oneTel have finally activated the broadband at my parents house, so expect a proper blog later today.

Hope you all have had a lovely Christmas.

Pete Graham xXx

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OneTel – Incredible Incompetence

December 21, 2006

This post is a follow up to Why you shouldn’t get broadband with oneTel which I wrote earlier this week.

I was contacted back by oneTel today who have taken a whole 48 hours to come to the conclusion that yes they haven’t activated broadband at my parents house like they were meant to. They were supposed to be taking 48 hours to investigate why it hadn’t been activated weeks ago, however when I asked what the problem was all they would tell me was that there was a “technical difficulty”. When I asked what the “technical difficulty” was they stuck me on hold. When released from hold they informed me that they had checked and the difficulty they had encountered was most definitely technical in nature, and that I’d be delighted to hear that my broadband would be active by the 29th of December. I don’t think I was quite as delighted as they expected.

After explaining to the call-centre chump exactly how bad I felt the customer service I had received was he offered me the hefty compensation sum of £11.20. I informed him that this was unacceptable and that I was contemplating leaving oneTel, at this point I was put on hold.. again. Now it seems that when you threaten to leave oneTel you get forwarded from a normal customer services advisor (based in Indian) to a “senior” customer services advisor based in the UK. The senior advisor offered me a deal where my phone/broadband bundle will cost £16.99 per month instead of £24.99. Not a bad deal but quite sneaky as it requires me to keep my account with oneTel to actually get a good amount of compensation/saving. The customer services advisor guaranteed me that this deal would last “forever”, I have asked for it in writing so I can find out exactly how long oneTel consider forever to be.

For anyone interested I have discovered that the oneTel hold-song is Something in the Air written by Thunderclap Newman. Lyrics can be found here.

Pete Graham xXx

Ironbridge Update

December 21, 2006

After almost 6 months away from the Ironbridge area and whats changed, well not a huge deal (not that thats a bad thing). The big news on the Ironbridge front is Central Cafe which used to be a greasy spoon is now a Pizza and Kebab shop. I have yet to sample the culinary delights of the new Central Cafe since it shuts at 11pm due to some strange Ironbridge local by-law. However I have promised my good friend Elliott Russell that as a special Christmas treat I will take him there and buy him any Pizza and any can of sprite he desires!

Rolf Leavesly the Mayor of Ironbridge is famous for going “all-out” for Christmas. Once again he has bettered his efforts of the previous Christmas this year he’s gone “all-out” to Australia! However before he left he put a ransom on the Maylord’s head. A reward of the Maylords weight in Gold will be given to the first person to catch the man-beast dead or alive. This all started when the Maylord made derogatory remarks about the Bridge/Town earlier this month. The Maylord has been mysteriously missing since he had the “day from hell” last Friday.

Not much seems to have changed in the Telford area, Telford Town Centre is still a chav-infested shit-hole redeemed only by the spectacular Telford Time Machine attraction. Also the largest Tesco in the World has been built in Wellington. The shop is truly colossal, it is closer in size to a small city rather than a large supermarket. I think it may even be bigger than the giant Argos you pass on the way to Nottingham.

Pete Graham xXx

Why you shouldn’t get broadband with oneTel

December 19, 2006

On November 21st I called up oneTel to request they transfer my broadband connection from my house in Ironbridge to my parents house, at the time I was informed that this would take up to 21 days. Today is 19th December almost a whole month later and the broadband has not been transferred here is a list of reasons why oneTel are shit and you shouldn’t buy broadband from them:

  • They sent me an email on the 16th December (3 days ago) claiming the broadband had been successfully switched over
  • When I rung them this morning they claimed to have no record of a request to transfer the broadband ever having been made
  • Their “TalkTalk/Onetel Technical Advisor” number 0870 818 8179 doesn’t work
  • Their “Internet Technical Support” number 0845 818 0096 doesn’t work
  • Their “Customer Support” number 0845 818 0505 seems to be permenantly engaged
  • The only number which seems to work is 0845 818 8000 and if you use that you guaranteed to be forwarded through at least 3 departments
  • I have now been informed that I have to wait 48 hours while they “look into” why the broadband hasn’t been transferred
  • They appear to be utterly unable to handle the concept that someone might want to move house
  • If you are joining oneTel you get forwarded to a UK based call-centre, once they’ve “trapped you” as a customer you get forwarded to India
  • They use some god-awful hold music I think its Katie Melua but I could be wrong
  • They use the same song on repeat for their hold music

The really disappointing thing is once you’ve got Broadband set-up with them they offer a pretty good service but its such a pain getting it set-up its really not worth it.

Pete Graham xXx

Back in the Bridge

December 18, 2006

So I’m very happy to be back in Ironbridge for Christmas however I’m not very happy with oneTel. I requested that they transferred my broadband from my house in Ironbridge (which is now being rented out) to my parents house. I also requested that they send me a new installation CD as the one they originally sent was knackered. They’ve not sent me the CD so I am sitting here writing this using dial-up Internet like a man from the past.

I’ve managed to find the drivers online for my broadband modem but its taking absolutely forever to download them on dial-up. When the drivers finally download I’ll be able to see if they actually have swapped the broadband over.

I’ll write a proper blog later if I manage to get the broadband hooked up. I have some great pictures from the Bavarian Beerhouse on Saturday night that need to go up.

Pete Graham xXx

Half man, Half Tiger All Wally!

December 15, 2006

We are well aware that Tiger can bread with Lions to create Ligers, however Tigers cannot bread with humans to create Higers, that would just be silly. However San Diego Computer Programmer Dennis Smith otherwise known as “Cat-man” is a very silly man he has already spend over £100,000 getting Tiger-style tattoo’s all over his body and now wants to get a fur graft which is expected to be an another £100,000. Mr Smith is not an amazing human tiger hybrid he is just a big big wally, in fact he is this weeks wally of the Week!

“Raaaaah I’m a Wally!”

Heres a link to last weeks wally.

Pete Graham xXx

WWE Superstarts = Intellectual Heavy-weights!

December 15, 2006

I’m been claiming for years that intelligence and skill of WWE superstars is severely underrated. I now have proof, many many Wrestlers use Portmanteau’s as their finishing moves here are a few:

  • Perfectplex = Perfect + Suplex used by Mr Perfect
  • AngleLock = Angle + Anklelock used by Kurt Angle
  • Batistabomb = Bastita + Powerbomb used by Batista
  • Vadersault = Vader + Moonsault used by Vader

The most popular form of Wrestling Portmanteau seems to append your name to the word ‘bomb’ i.e. Petebomb. My favourite is probably the Ligerbomb which is performed by a Japanese Wrestler named Jushin Liger. Pictured below (funniest looking Liger I’ve ever seen).

A special Mention should also go to Michael Quackendriver the inventor or the Quackendriver I, II and III, what a trilogy!

The Portanteau creativity of Pro-wrestlers is not just limited to finishing moves, Stone Cold Steve Austin used to famously drink cans of “Steve-weiser” (Steve + Budweiser) after he won a match.

That all for today, catch you later Peteamaniac’s!

Pete Graham xXx

Exploding Cokes!

December 14, 2006

I know I’ve already emailed quite a few people about this already but thought I post it here for readers that haven’t seen it yet. It appears that if you put Mentos into Diet-coke it causes an almighty Explosion. I believe Mentos are some type of American mint, my good friend Julian E Prestoon Esquire informs me that it works with other more British mints.

Here’s the first experiment over at Google Video, the second experiment is also worth watching, they explode hundred’s of bottles of diet coke in a domino effect! For people who don’t know what Google Video is; it’s like Youtube but not as good. For people who don’t know what Youtube is; its like Telly but on your computer and not as good.

Being a man of science I plan to conduct some of my own Coke and Mint explosion experiments over the festive season. I’m predicting the Mint in a Coke trick could be for the Naughties what the Salt in a pint of beer gag was for the Nineties.

  • FACT: The technical term for putting Salt in someones pint so it explodes is aSALTing someone.
  • FACT: In some states in American aSALTing someone is a crime punishable by the death sentence
  • FACT: Some Americans tried to ban the Harry Potter books, this is because they are idiots
  • FACT: Americans couldn’t ban Harry Potter because Harry Potter is magic!


Pictured above Harry Potter, he didn’t really have anything to do with Diet Coke, Mentos or this Article.
Pete Graham xXx

Quarter-life Crisis

December 14, 2006

As an active member of the blogosphere I often like to read and contribute to other peoples blogs. Today I was learning how to improve my already amazing levels of productivity by reading 11 Tips for Time Management on Web Worker Daily. A link to a blog called Brazen Careerist caught my eye, being an uber young-professional I thought this sounded right up my street. Whilst reading this blog I came across a new concept: the Quarter-life crisis. To be honest it doesn’t sound half as fun a mid-life crisis, for one it doesn’t involve buying motorbikes and sports-cars or running off with your secretary. Apparently the Quarter-life crisis is becoming increasingly common there’s a good explanation of exactly what it is Wikipaedia.

FACT: The average age for mid-life crisis is 46. Who’s up for buying Harleys and forming a Biker Gang with me 2029?

Pete Graham xXx

I’m Portmanteau Mad Me!

December 13, 2006

Following the success of my amazing anagram article I’ve decided to post another article demonstrating the fun that can be had with words of the English Language. Today we shall be covering Portmanteaus.

A Portmanteau is a word that is created by combining two existing words. Popular examples include:

  • Insania – Combination of Insane and Mania: popularised by mid 90s pop-sensation Peter Andre
  • Enginuity – Combination of Engine and Ingenuity: It’s the name of the Design museum in Ironbridge
  • Feminazis – Combination of Feminist and Nazi: Famous Femiazis include Germaine Greer and uuumm… I couldn’t actually find any others I’d heard of (even using Google!)

Portmanteaus can also be used to give people great nicknames here are a few:

  • Phevans – Combination of Phil and Evans: Loud, fat-faced wally from Tamworth
  • Bevans – Combination of Ben and Evans: Grumpy para character from Wenners
  • Degans – Combination of Dog and Evans: The Evans Family Pet
  • Nence – Combination of Ell and Nonce: Nickname given to Elliott Russell in the Early Naughties

Portmanteaus are very common in the fascinating world of Hybrid animals, here are some of my favourites:

  • Zorse – Combination of Zebra and a horse
  • Zonkey– Combination of a Zebra and a Donkey
  • Cama – Combination of a Camel and a Lama
  • Liger – You should know what this one is by now
  • Wolphin – If you don’t know this one you need to read the blog more often

Try making your own up and using them in conversation to confuse people. Post your best ones as comments, there will be an ace prize!

Pete Graham xXx